My life has sucked recently. It’s partially my fault as these things always are and partially just the universe being an asshole as it always is.
Life can be really, really bitterly unfair.
So this is a letter to whoever needs it. To everyone who I can’t talk to in person right now for whatever reason. Whether because you’re far away. Or because you’re angry at me. Or because I don’t know what’s going on in your life. Or because we’ve drifted apart as people do. This is for you. And also just a little bit a lot for me.
Sometimes the hardest and best thing you can do in a day is to get out of bed. It hurts like a motherfucker. There’s no point to it. Nothing good will come of it. Nothing has changed in the world. People you love are still dying, people are still being killed violently, people are being hurt and abandoned and disappointed and wronged all over. And you are getting out of bed. And you are so strong because of it.
Sometimes going for a whole ten minutes without crying is a victory. Sometimes going for a whole minute is also a victory. Sometimes crying is a victory itself, because you still feel. After all this shit, you still feel something. That is amazing. You are amazing.
You are allowed to be angry. For as long as you need. At everything. When my friend was sexually assaulted I called my sister screaming more times than I can count. Things completely unrelated to it would piss me off: innocuous things people said in class, throwaway lines in movies, just walking on the sidewalk sometimes. And I’d be furious for hours. Anger is a powerful emotion that we feel when the world is unjust. And the world is unjust so much of the time. Anger can lead us to do great things.
But in the long run anger can hurt you if it isn’t channeled. It can eat away at your insides like a corrosive acid. Find something to do with your anger. I write. Sometimes just strings of profanity. Sometimes things that don’t make sense. But then the anger is doing something instead of clawing at my throat.
Breathe. Just breathe. Wherever you are. Whatever you are doing. Remember to breathe. You are forgiven and you can forgive. There is nothing you have to do or be. You already are everything wonderful by being yourself. There is strength and peace inside you. Even when you hate yourself and everyone around you for allowing so much pain in the world, for continuing to exist, for failing you, for being human. There is still peace. There is still forgiveness. There is still light.
I believe this for you. I believe this for myself.
“When you feel like no one loves you and the world seems nothing but against you, I wanna feel like someone you can talk to. The two of us there’s nothing we can’t get through.”
I hope that you can feel me sending all the encouragement and peace and strength I have. Even if we haven’t spoken in years. Even if we spoke this morning. You are loved. You are so incredibly loved.