Today I am feeling a number of conflicting emotions that generally even out to “okay”.
I am feeling grief. Not only for my own family’s loss, but for families that have lost loved ones to COVID and for family’s that are continuing to lose loved ones to hate crimes.
I am feeling excitement at the prospect of starting graduate school in the fall. I haven’t been thinking about this hardly at all, there have been so many other parts of my life needing attention. But when I do think about it, I feel grateful and giddy and a disbelief.
I am feeling gratitude for my family and friends. I feel so lucky to have such an incredible support system.
I am feeling frustrated and antsy. I want to go outside and frolic. I want to not have to wear a mask. I want to not get angry at the people I see not wearing masks. I want to stop relying so much on double-negatives.
I am feeling nostalgic. In less than three weeks, I will be leaving the place that has been my home for the past four years. And the apartment that has been my home for the last two. This is the longest I’ve lived anywhere post-college, and I’m so sad to be leaving it without the chance to say a proper good-bye.
I am feeling tired. I am feeling guilty. I am feeling meditative.
Pretty much pick an emotion from the human emotional spectrum and that is me right now.
But overall I am so glad that I can still feel. That I have the time and the capacity to feel. I think I’ve said before, but depression isn’t actually a deep sadness – it is numbness. Depression is the absence of feeling.
So the fact that I am able to feel all these things is actually a really good sign. It’s like when your body is still able to send you pain signals, at least you know you’re alive. It’s when you can’t feel anymore that things start to look grim.
So keep feeling, friends, even though it is difficult. Feeling is a very, very good thing.
Sending lots of love,