Today I cleaned. Cleaning helps me keep my anxiety at bay. It’s nice to feel like I’m achieving something even if it won’t last.
I have eleven days left before I leave Oakland. I keep thinking about what my life looked like before shelter in place. Every day I took BART in to San Francisco for work. And as I did, I would look out the window and say good-bye to Oakland.
I didn’t realize that I was actually saying good-bye, but I’m so glad to whatever part of me had that instinct.
Of course, as always, good-byes are relative and not conclusive. I will be taking so many things from the Bay along with me. Like the smell of the ocean. Those strange birds by the Ferry Building. (I’m still over 50% convinced they are actually fairies in disguise.) Learning how to make coffee. Visiting the Mechanic’s Institute in San Francisco on several occasions. That one day I walked allllll the way up to Coit Tower and never went in. The many times visiting City Lights. Back when I took the 32 bus over to my writing class every Sunday. People watching. That time I auditioned for American Idol in Jack London Square. Watching movies at the Grand Lake Theater. Walking around Lake Merritt.
I’ve had so many beautiful moments here, and I know they will be coming along with me. The friendships, too, I hope.
I will say good-bye to some things. I will say good-bye to the noise, the constant sense of hurry and anxiety. I will say good-bye to the many layers of hypocrisy (although I’m sure Idaho has its own forms). I will say good-bye to the astronomical rents. I will say good-bye to the heartbreak that brought me out here in the first place and all the subsequent heartbreaks that have followed me since. I will say good-bye to feeling like I could never be enough.
I thank you all for coming along with me on my journey. As the next chapter approaches, I’m beginning to feel something akin to excitement. And I’m looking forward to sharing that with you all as well.
All the love,